the low of a high

I’m on the low of a high.

the past 5 days I’ve spent as an addition to two families. staying in the house with them in Hawaii. two families coming together for a marriage. a week about the week, not just the one day. i’m only there because I can take pictures. there’s no other reason, a total stranger would be able to witness the things I get to.

“so you’re having your photographer stay with you? isn’t that a little weird?” so they were asked.

so I land 5 days ago, picked up by my bride and groom – meeting them for the first time – this is like going on a trip with a first date. you’d better be confident that it’s going to go well.

and each day goes by. event after event, and it goes from first greetings and polite conversations to full bellied laughs, sarcasm that is me in true form and feeling a bond to people I met just days ago.

it’s a strange thing. I already am at the brim with love and support. with family so dear and friends that feel like family. I am in no need. but constantly, people and couples and families are brought into my path and the brim gets even closer. it runs over. this is not a normal thing. and there’s no way to explain it until you’re in it.

I base everything off relationships. I can’t help but see the way my images are impacted when I have a bond to who I’m shooting.

I have to have it. but it’s not something you can force. it’s there or it’s not.

but when it is. I am left like this.

all done and on the low of a high. sitting in the honolulu airport for 10 hours. with lots of time to digest and process.

I am brought to these places. treated as family. and able to give this gift of a simple thing such as an image. only it’s so much more than that.

when there’s that bond, it makes a switch.

it’s 11pm and the brides mom see’s me kneeling in front of my computer. she comes to see what I’m doing and the sound she makes when she sees the images I shot of her daughter. that’s the payment. that’s what fulfills.

it’s when kaelin comes in to where I’m sleeping at 8am the day after her own wedding, to check and see how I am. how I feel.

it’s a simple thing of being told, you’re not the photographer, you’re a friend.

it’s my couple screaming at full lungs back at me “hollllly shit” because of what we’re getting. (pardon the profanity…it happens with good shooting)

it’s laying on the grass with new friends at the end of a wedding. watching the stars and getting burned by a cigar.

it’s her dad coming up to me mid day in the hallway, to hug me once again and tell me how special it is to have me.

the strange thing is, so much care and thanks comes to me. and that’s not even the way it should be.

I am the one that is indebted.

I’ve been shooting in some incredible places this year. in my own backyard and in the Swedish countryside. and no matter where I am, it’s the people that impact me.

and I come to an end of 5 days like this and am at the low of a high. I walk away from the group & new friends and then my couple at the airport and it’s over.

I feel so strange to feel as sad as I do. but I am.

I felt it last week when i parted ways and it was over.

there’s this surprise I get. going into days like this. I have no idea what’s ahead. but then it is sweeter than I could have hoped and I form bonds I wouldn’t have expected and I don’t want it to end.

but it always does. and it reminded me this week, as the ink I have tattooed on me, “cherish the present” and it’s so true. I don’t want to live in one moment, one week forever, I want to always be going forward. but I hate goodbyes and I hate when it’s over.

more often than not my life is made up of things that I know I’ll be jealous for once they pass. so I should know, there will always be this feeling as I walk away and it’s all over.

just an even more reminder to cherish the sweet moments while I’m there.

days like this impact me and leave a mark on me.

this life that has become mine, I feel so unworthy but so grateful. so overwhelmed yet attentive to the joy I have.

I am madly passionately no doubt over my head in love with the people that bring me in and what I’m allowed to do.

when I get to this point, I know, it’s something I have to write down. I never want to lose these thoughts and this feeling.

lots more to come.