it’s crazy what we think we want. we want it, and we really want it. and it consumes us.
lately, i’ve been thinking about all the things that i thought i wanted, only i didnt get them, and now those wants would never cross my heart.
i used to want a lot of things.
i used to want this guy. i was convinced it wasn’t want, it was need. i used to want to climb and to be put together. i used to want to tuck all my shirts in and be professional. i used to want to be from a family that wasn’t divorced and to not know how to use a fax machine. i used to want to plan, and to know, and prepare, and to have it all figured out. used to want to be married by now.
so this is just to say, don’t hold so tightly to the things you think you want. even if those wants run deep. even if those wants feel like needs. because, in my quick 24 years, the things i so desperately wanted for myself, ended up not being what i want anymore. and thanks to god that i didn’t get them. thank god, literally, he didn’t give me my wants.
and so now i’m careful with my wants, because they very well may change. i hold on to them with an open hand. because one of the wants i have is to change my mind. is to see something, like it, do it. to find out something gives me a thrill, and bring it into my life. into my core. you can change.
and you can change what you want and what brings you into the sweet spot of life.
you can change what you want.
and it’s ok.
that’s the beauty about the future, it’s not bound in pen and ink.
and thank god i didn’t get all those wants, because my future really still has quite a bit of freedom.
we don’t get what we want.
I’m so grateful for the release writing brings me. if something is tumbling in my head for a day or a week, it seems that writing is what works it out of me. helps me more than anything. and sometimes it just comes, like this….with my feet in the shower to shave my legs, only to hop out, run to the living room, write it all out….and head back to the shower.
i’ll always want to write.